I have recently been looking back over the past few years and would like to share some personal thoughts with you over the next few minutes.

When I came to the Amazon on a two week trip in 2003, I was living a life that I would categorize as good, rich, full, challenging, and American-normal (better than American-normal).  When I returned home after that trip, I felt personally challenged to do what God was calling me to do rather than what I thought was "good".  I entered a period of evaluation; of my life, of my relationship with God, of my motives, of who I am, and of what needs in the world exist that I might be able to help address in a small way.  It began 6-12 months of much honest, open conversation with my Father.  I freely admit that I was experiencing what many people my age experience, a mid-life "crisis" of reevaluation.  It has been characterized as an evaluation of one's life and circumstances that prompts change.  It is a search for significance and one that often finds fault with the pursuit of success that typically had characterized the previous stage of one's life.  I experienced a profound desire to order my life based on what my Father wanted me to do rather than what I wanted to do.  It wasn't long before I knew beyond any doubt that He would have me serve Him in a part of the world where daily lives are difficult and where access to both the Good News and to health care are limited.  We moved to Brazil, to the Amazon Basin, in 2006, and joined the work of the Xingu Mission.

It has been almost four challenging (difficult) years of learning a new language, forming new relationships, adjusting to living in a very different culture (where we were clueless!), sweating a lot, and dealing with loneliness, rejection, fatigue, and inadequacy.  But we have seen God use us in so many ways and in so many lives and we can now appreciate clearly (we have often doubted) that He indeed called us to this place at this time.  Though He could have done all of this without us (What a privilege to get to participate!), we have brought experience and wisdom where it was beneficial in a timely way.  We have brought medical help and counsel to many who otherwise may not have had it.  We have introduced a very different philosophy to health care, praying for each person and acknowledging before them that only God can heal or resolve any problem.  We have mentored many hungry people in how to draw closer to their Father in a personal way and in how to see life through Kingdom eyes.  We have taught many of the Vineyard, Kingdom values and emphases that we hold so dear.  Especially over the past six months, our language has developed to a place that we can have intimate, open relationships with local Brasilians.  And we have loved.  We've treated people with value and honor and respect.  We have seen our love and encouragement bless both the missionaries and the Brasilians who have received it.

Some of our help has been rejected; much has been received.  Some has been taken for granted; much has been received with gratitude.  Some have misunderstood our motives; most have received our love genuinely.  Some areas of darkness remain, others now have light.  And everything we did was done with our characteristic human imperfection.

We changed course at a time in our lives when we could have "settled in".  We responded to the challenge to do what God was specifically asking us to do.  We had no idea how it would turn out.  As we look back now, we are so glad that we jumped onto a different path, one yielding eternal fruit and one where we so know our Father's pleasure.  We have experienced riches beyond that which we had experienced previously.  We have learned much about ourselves, the world, people, and the Kingdom.  We have learned the joy of suffering for His sake and we have experienced the pleasure that accompanies Kingdom hardship.

And now we face the exact same challenge.  We are beginning the search for our next step and looking to go more remote.  Tim, Luke and Ben will travel for a month to the western end of the Brazilian Amazon Basin and explore potential relocation to a small town that is almost exclusively indigenous people.  We will be visiting and researching areas that few outsiders have visited.  We want people who have lived remotely for generations to know the good news of God's grace and love, and to have access to some basic health care.  We simply want them to have the opportunity to experience what we have experienced with our Father.  As to where to live and work, we are wrestling with ourselves again as to dying to our own desires, and seeking His.  But this time around it's a bit different.  We now more personally know how we will be cared for as we step into difficult.  We know His faithfulness and His pleasure and this encourages us to seek His will rather than our own.  We know it will be difficult, as He will not send us to the light and He will not send us to a field that already has workers.  But He will care for us, He will guide us, He will use us, and He will grow us.

I am prompted this morning to challenge you to do the same.  Go to your Father and seek His heart for you.  Settle for no less.  But know that He will not lead you to comfort or to material prosperity.  He will likely lead you to difficulty, as He loves sending His lights to darkness and this is never a comfortable journey.  But you will experience satisfaction at a depth unknown previously. You will be forced into an intimacy with Him that you never knew.  You will grow in areas that previously wouldn't grow.  Parts of you will die that you previously couldn't kill.

And for eternity you will be pleased with your decision to forsake this life for the next.

Reminders:

People are too caught up in their own affairs to spend much time dwelling on you.

Seek to free rather than to control.

To love my enemies and those difficult requires trust in God's care for me and in His complete ability to intervene in     any circumstance at any time.

Do you want to learn?  Observe, ask questions.

Repetition is the key to learning information and skills.

The wonder of God's creation is endless for those who will wonder.

In decisions and responses, what you think is more important than how you feel.

Consider the heart of the hearer before speaking.

To compare oneself to another is to compare two movies after viewing one completely and looking at a single frame of the other.

God's directing of your journey and His joy in creating uniquely you is discounted when you compare yourself to another.

We need reminded often of the truths that we already know.

What does a plant seed need to germinate? 

Warmth and moisture.

What does a seed planted in us need to germinate?

A loving environment and encouragement.

What does a young, germinated plant need to grow and bear fruit?

Good soil, light and water.

God provides all three.  All three can be either pleasant or unpleasant in how they arrive.

What does a germinated seed in us need to grow and bear fruit?

Good soil (see below), love and truth (which often arrives in storms).

God provides all three.  All three can be either pleasant or unpleasant in how they arrive.

What creates good soil?  Fertilizer.  And brokenness.

Fertilizer consists of animal waste and dead and decaying plants and animals.

For a planted seed to germinate and grow, it must experience warmth and moisture and be exposed intimately to death, decay, waste and brokenness. 

For planted seeds in us to grow (our Father is always planting), we must experience a loving environment, encouragement, truth and love and be exposed to pain, failure, brokenness and death (our own and that of others).

Fruit is born by those growing in, staying in, and appreciating the value of, truth, love, pain, and brokenness.

The difficulties and the wounds of life (combined with knowing love and having a perspective based on truth) allow us to grow to a place of being of value to others (bearing fruit).

Lack one or more of these and there will be either no germination or no growth.  Living always in the sunshine would be pleasant and sounds desirable but would not produce the growth that creates value in us and allows us to bear fruit.

All people of the Amazon basin, like all people in the U.S., are wounded.  The wounding either pushes people away from God or draws them to Him.  It either causes hardness and perpetual immaturity (stunted growth) or significant, humble growth and wisdom.  We see both here as we see both at home.  One response to being wounded is so sad, creating a cold hardness and superficiality (there is so much of this here).  The other is truly beautiful, creating a warm humility that sees and trusts beyond the pain (only intimacy with Jesus can produce this genuinely).  There is a minority of this here. 

We cannot produce growth but we can be used as fertilizer if we live humbly, sharing our death and brokenness.  The truth of the Kingdom is so lacking in the Amazon Basin.  We are called to love, and in the context of loving, tell the truth about our Father and His Kingdom, the source of all growth.  If you are experiencing difficulties, be encouraged.  Your soil is being prepared to grow your Father's planted seeds and to bear fruit (be used for the benefit of others).

Reminders:

All people, in every culture, are wounded, broken, weak, and afraid.  Some realize it.

People are very much the same anywhere.  They both reflect the beauty of their Creator and manifest the wounds of lives lived independently of Him.

Sticks and stones may break one’s bones but words can wound one’s heart.

Look for the one outcast or wounded. It is there that the soil is likely ready for seed.

Hunger and thirst, disappointment and sadness, weakness and inadequacy, wounding and rejection… are all realities within the Kingdom of God.

I have seen joy in those desperately poor and misery in those with great wealth.

Beware of the ear-tickling "health and wealth" teachers/preachers.  They preach to the flesh rather than to the spirit.

The counsel of one 70 has been tried more than that of one 50, and the counsel of one 50 has been tested more than that of one 30.

To love without receiving love is as unhealthy as receiving love without loving.

To be critical of the behavior of someone who doesn't know God's love is to criticize, from the comforts of civilization, the decisions of one stranded for many years on a deserted island.

God doesn't need missionaries to accomplish His work to the unreached just as Jesus demonstrated clearly that He doesn't need physicians to heal.  He also doesn't need preachers to communicate truth or to lead someone to Him and He doesn't need us to pray for Him to respond to a crisis.  But He enjoys greatly allowing the people that He loves to participate in what He wants to accomplish.

Before giving advice, listen, think and pray.  Flippant, dispassionate advice is too often voiced and most often best held.

Give an opinion if asked for it.  Soil must be ready for the seed to yield life.

I had lengthy conversations this week with two women and left each so encouraged by the depth of their faith in an unseen, beautiful God.  A dear friend of ours, "Adria", has been walking in relationship with God for several years.  She gave birth to twins four months ago after much anticipation and joyful waiting.  She is a planner, and had it all arranged to have a C-Section on a certain date to avoid the risks of a natural twin birth where there is no neonatal care or OB specialists.  If it could go wrong, it did.  She went into labor, her doctor was gone, the attending doctor wanted to do a vaginal delivery against the adamant wishes of both Adria and her husband.  The doctor made the paternal decision to disregard the wishes of the patient.  One twin was born apneic and needed lengthy resuscitation and neonatal care which wasn't available.  Though he seemed to come around after a few days, he developed a significant fever, persistent vomiting, and became inconsolable.  They made repeated trips to the doctor where they were told not to worry, and the baby was treated conservatively.  After consulting with me they traveled to the regional hospital in Altamira (14 hr trip) where after several very long and difficult days, he died.

Adria shared with me her anger at both man (the doctors) and God, her confusion, and her struggle to see God's hand in this.  She shared her journey over the past months and how she often went to God and poured out her heart to Him.  She told of multiple experiences of feeling comforted and how she learned to trust God's purposes and heart instead of her understanding.  She said that she is at a place of depth and intimacy in her relationship with God that she had never experienced previously.  Because both she and her husband wrestled through this difficulty together, they are at a place of intimacy in their relationship that they have never known.  Listening to her was so encouraging because of how she responded to her pain by running to her Father.  She admitted that she did this so imperfectly but the reward of running to Him over and over is now obvious by the fruit within her.  What a testimony of the faithfulness of God and the rewards of pursuing Him rather than understanding. 

I also met "Maria", whose 14 year old daughter became pregnant 9 years ago.  In the last trimester, she developed seizures and went into a coma for eight days.  The baby died and when she came out of the coma, she was extremely debilitated.  This obviously beautiful girl was nonverbal, completely lacked the ability to understand, lost virtually all coordination, and became symptomatically like an adult with extreme cerebral palsy.  This woman asked me over to her house to inquire as to whether there was any hope for improvement.  She has cared for her adult, completely dependent, often irritable and sometimes violent daughter for nine years.  She was also a believer prior to this event and shared her struggle to make sense of it all.  Her trust in God's love and care were clear in her conversation and she shared how her dependence on Him had grown through the many moments of fatigue and frustration and how He has been so faithful to care for her through it all, filling her so that she could give and give to her daughter while receiving no earthly reward.  She said she has seen God provide countless times throughout the ordeal, though He has not brought healing.  As I meditate on these conversations, I learn several things from these women who live in shacks on the equator, with no steady income but with riches beyond what most realize.

It takes willing eyes to see God's provision in painful circumstances.  After talking to them, I so desire their eyes.

God takes special pleasure in taking things ugly and broken and creating from them something beautiful.  How I want to remember their hearts and their example when I am experiencing pain.  After knowing them, I will.

Through them, I see that a thankful heart is always possible and that a broken heart does not require extravagance to be grateful, like a hungry person does not require an extravagant meal to be satisfied.  They both struggled, cried, and doubted, but continued to go to their Father through it all.  A thankful heart remains in both of them, with a depth that is so powerful and God-honoring.  How I desire more of such a heart.

Further Thoughts:

To selflessly care for one suffering is equally as beautiful as it is to suffer well.

A thankful heart is deeply healing.

Comfort and leisure are more dangerous to your health than difficulty and affliction.

Love and affliction both change one's soil, so that planted seeds can grow.

Those who are hungry do not desire extravagant meals and do not criticize the quality of their food.

Every person, thing and circumstance has within it and about it both good and bad, both beautiful and ugly, both strength and weakness.  We choose, however, on which we allow our eyes, ears and hearts to focus.

God takes special pleasure in bringing life to that which is dead, light to darkness, beauty to that which is broken, freedom to one held captive, and joy to those oppressed.

Nothing's shape or character can be transformed without the current shape or character first being broken.

This morning I was visited by a family from the interior.  A man had been having a cough, fever and difficulty breathing for two weeks, a woman had an infected wound on her very swollen, hot foot for about two weeks, and a 16 year old boy had been unable to use his left hand for about two years.  These would be pretty typical consults on any given day at my house when I'm not traveling.  What made this family remarkable, however, was that they lived in a particularly remote area, the man was 97 years old and the boy had been completely normal prior to an illness two years ago and now was very mentally delayed and had significant right arm weakness and wasting. 

The older man was very bright, had an obvious love for God, and was quite ill.  He said that he hadn't been able to lie down for the entire duration of the illness, he had only recently stopped having fever and chills and he became short of breath quite easily.  His daughter (the boy's mother), had a significant foot infection which was moving to her waist.  The son had a left hand almost paralyzed with significant weakness in his entire arm.  He was very slow to respond in conversation but seemed to understand me.  His story was one that is somewhat common in the interior here.  He was healthy and bright and picked up an illness with a significant fever.  Fever does not typically cause a family to take a trip to the city.  After several days of illness, they noticed the weakness and the mental changes.  He has not shown any recovery of function in the two years since.

I don't meet many 97 year olds who have lived in the jungle all their life.  I do see many infections, and these three represent rather common infections in the remote people of this region.  The man had pneumonia, the woman had cellulits, and the boy was suffering from the sequelae of meningitis.  Last week I also consulted with a young lawyer (35-40) in town who was battling the acute effects of Chagas disease, a potentially awful parasitic disease transmitted by the "kissing bug" of this region.  He likely picked it up while recently visiting his family in the interior.  I see people with leprosy (easily treated), tuberculosis, (nonresistent), much dysentery (both infectious and parasitic), dengue fever and malaria, as well as other more minor infectious illnesses.  The swine flu has also been through the Amazon region, based on what I've seen.

Sometimes these cases make for interesting medicine for a doc from the U.S.  So many respond well to treatment and it's nice to be able to be a tool in the master carpenter's hand.  I explain to each person that a doctor cures a person in the same way that a hammer builds a house.  How silly for the hammer to think that it is the primary builder.  I'm so glad that THE carpenter enjoys using tools to accomplish His tasks, allowing me to participate in His work.  It's sad to hear of Christians who think that faith is only exhibited in healing that occurs without using medications (or doctors).  Christians get pretty weird when it comes to healing.  They say faith will move mountains and will heal but I have yet to see one travel "by faith", build a house "by faith", make dinner "by faith".  Why not accept the fact that God LOVES using people (tools) to do His work?  Some of these faith teachers are like some doctors I know who are like the ass (yes, doctors can be asses; I've known more than a few!) in the following story. John Wimber told of the donkey that carried Jesus into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday.  Though he initially saw himself as only a donkey being used to carry a man, after several minutes of cheering and adulation, his perspective began to change and he began to think rather highly of himself.  Instead of having a sense of appreciation for the privilege of being used, and of gratitude to the One who chose to use him, he put himself where only God should be, in a position to receive praise.  To live apart from humility before God is to be so deceived.  Many preachers, doctors, and others will be so surprised one day when they see the true measure of their contribution, and when they meet the only One worthy of praise. 

To be an instrument (or an ass) well used by the Master, when He desires, how He desires, and where He desires, is our great privilege.  

My kids showed me an incredible drama on You Tube.  Please go to this link for a five minute video/drama about our Father's passionate heart for broken, screwed up people.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA 

Further Thoughts:

People who live many hours from any medical help break bones and have asthma, headaches, meningitis, diarrhea, lacerations, strokes...

Jesus didn't call us to be good people, He called us to Himself.

In every circumstance and in every encounter, there is more going on than we perceive.

Desire is like a knife.  It can be sharp or dull, strong or weak, large or small and can be used for either constructive or destructive purposes.

Pain and loss are difficult for anyone to endure and require time from which to recover.

Don't make decisions of any significance when you are tired.

To have a good sense of humor is to smile easily, not to be able to make people laugh.

For every personal strength, there is a corresponding weakness.  For every personal weakness, there is a corresponding strength.

To dwell on what you lack is to not appreciate the much that you have.

You've been called to do what you can do, not to do what you can't do.  The ear has been called to hear but it has not been called to smell or run.  Focus on that which you can do, and do it well.

With decisions, the choice is often between inner peace, accompanied by outer conflict, and outer peace, accompanied by inner conflict.

An excellent metaphor for life is that of a journey.  To remember that a difficult uphill climb will always be followed by a downhill grade offers hope. To remember that an easier, downhill stretch will most certainly be followed by a tough climb keeps one humble.